Mental Health Maxxing

2023 was by far one of the worst years of my life.

There were moments during that time where I just didn't want to be here anymore. The darkness was real, and it was heavy.

Looking back, I think I tried to get "good at" nearly 20 different things in a single year, desperately searching for something to master. From building a YouTube following to tinkering with arduinos and hardware, launching no-code projects, diving into property management, pursuing personal scholarly work, and jumping into seemingly "random" ventures – I was everywhere, trying to find my path.

Here's the thing about building something and then losing it with nothing to show: it doesn't just hurt your ego, it shatters your entire mental foundation. Now multiply that pain by trying different things over 4-5 years, constantly searching for that "one thing" you're meant to do in life, and still coming up empty.

This isn't meant to be a "purpose" post – it's about the brutal toll this journey took on my mental health.

My initial success in ecommerce gave me this massive high, this feeling of being unstoppable. I developed this boldness, thinking I could translate that same level of success into anything I touched. Man, was I in for a wake-up call. It hit me hard when I realized my ecommerce success wasn't just pure skill – it was a perfect storm of luck and various other factors that allowed me to build a profitable business in months instead of years.

Looking back over this 5-year journey, I can see how painfully impatient I was. I expected everything to fall into place quickly, completely ignoring the reality of compound effect, skill development, and domain expertise. Walking into new ventures with this mindset was setting myself up for failure on my path to self-actualization.

Even though I knew deep down I was in a "journeyman" phase of exploration, my relationship with money was complicated.

Growing up in a middle-class family with a scarcity mindset around money shaped my thinking more than I realized. Money wasn't portrayed as abundant – it was for essentials, with occasional treats.

When you have family constantly pushing you toward high-income jobs and traditional paths, you carry this pressure – this chip on your shoulder.

Combine that with personal ambition and seeing money as a vehicle for future opportunities, and it's easy to get derailed. I kept deviating from my authentic path, chasing short-term money in directions that felt wrong.

This pressure, combined with constant failure, started eroding my confidence. Soon I found myself trapped in self-destructive patterns:

Quitting became my default response
I kept making the same mistakes
I turned to stimulants and drugs to numb the pain
I surrounded myself with toxic peers
My self-talk turned viciously negative
My beliefs became increasingly limiting

It felt like living in Groundhog Day – every new venture was doomed before it began because deep down, I knew I'd probably quit. I kept telling myself "this time will be different," only to have fate prove me wrong again and again.

To anyone in this same boat: I see you. I know the shame that comes with questioning why you're even trying anymore. I understand those moments of questioning your existence, your meaning, your reason for continuing.

In my darkest moments, what kept me going was this tiny, blurry vision of my future self – the person I knew I could become. It wasn't much, but that thread of curiosity about what was possible kept me hanging on.

I realized I was treating symptoms instead of the root cause. When I'd quit one destructive habit, the energy would just transform into another:

Quit vaping, start drinking
Stop drinking, binge eat
Stop binging, overconsume caffeine

I took a radical approach: strip everything back to basics to find the root cause. But I knew I had to start small – trying to change everything at once would just trigger another relapse.

I focused on one conviction: to achieve the impossible, you need habits that make you undeniable. So I started small and let compound effect work its magic:

Fixed my diet
Quit vaping
Established consistent 8-hour sleep
Rewired my beliefs to match my "superhero version"
Transformed negative thoughts into empowering ones
Explored biohacking (shoutout to Bryan Johnson)
Cut out negative influences
Made the bold move to CA with a failing startup on the side and no Plan B

Moving from my small hometown to California was the game-changer.

Being around more ambitious, like-minded people accelerated my growth exponentially.

While I'd always been into self-help, changing my environment forced me to make this desired change work.

By stripping away everything that made up my old self and embracing completely new experiences, I finally discovered glimpses of who I actually am.

My passion for business had always been there – I just couldn't see it clearly when I was in the midst of chaos.

The transformation wasn't immediate, but tracking my progress through simple health metrics showed me how far I'd come. From garbage numbers in January to near-perfect scores in October – my mood, health, and sleep all aligned.

If there's one thing I've learned, it's this: subtract things from your life until you can isolate the real problem.

Only then can you truly fix what's broken.

My mental health had been an invisible wall for years, keeping me trapped in destructive patterns.

It wasn't until I stripped away everything external that I could see the internal struggle and finally address it.

I'm not claiming perfection, but I've come a long way from questioning whether life was worth living.

I continue to nurture my mental space like a garden, knowing that my mind filters not just how I view reality, but what I believe is possible in my life.

To anyone in their dark episode right now: there is a way through. Where there's darkness, there's an invitation for light – but you have to be willing to let it in.